At What Cost?In light of events that transpired at this past Nationals, I need to share something with the Redemption community. Let me begin by saying that I do not know one way or the other if there was cheating taking place. I was not involved in the games in question nor was I involved with the decision that the judges reached. Those judges are trusted friends and I have no reason to doubt what they say they saw. However, the individual who was disqualified is also a friend with whom I have played easily over a hundred games over the past few years, and thus it would not be right for me to conclude that cheating took place simply by word of mouth. I do know for certain of one instance of cheating that took place at Nationals all the way back in 2007. How do I know this? I was the guilty party. This is my public confession.
It was the second round of Type 2, 2 Player and during the course of the game I experienced some pretty bad LS drought and became very frustrated. My defense was running out while I had no way to keep up because of the lack of LS. In a moment of frustration and weakness, I intentionally used an ability that I should not have been able to in order to get one more block. I mention the frustration and weakness not as justification, but in the hopes that you will understand that I was not looking for ways to cheat—I fell into temptation and it “worked” because my opponent did not notice.
I ended up losing that game 6-4. I cannot recall exactly how the rest of the game went, but I’m fairly certain I should have had a full loss. At the end of the day, that extra point for the time out loss put me above 3 other players who finished 5-1, all of whom had better differential than I did and only one of whom I had played and beaten.
It wasn’t until sometime later after Nationals was over that I even remembered what I had done. My final round match had been so intense that most of the other rounds kind of blurred by comparison. However, the realization of what I had done and that it had led to me winning came crashing down on me, but I was too ashamed to admit what I had done. For years it gnawed at me (not constantly, but off and on like a nagging injury that won’t go away) until one day I realized that it was having a direct impact on my spiritual life—it was a tiny little sin that I let remain in my heart and it was slowly poisoning me. With the prayer support of my mom and sister, I confessed what I had done to God and felt His forgiveness come over me. Because of other things I had going on in my life, I was not very active in the community during this time, and under the shameful guise of “It doesn’t really matter anymore, that happened years ago” I did not make my confession public.
Flash forward many more years, and God and I had a heart to heart tonight because of something else going on in my life. I asked Him to help me be a man of integrity even though I knew I had failed so often. He reminded me of this incident (as He has many times over the years) and made it pretty clear that in order to be free once and for all, I needed to ask forgiveness from Rob, and the Redemption community.
And so, that is what I now do…I am sorry and I ask you to forgive me for my act of cheating. Regardless of the circumstances or what I was feeling, it was wrong. It is impossible to say what would or would not have happened in the rest of the tournament had I not done this, but that also is no justification for what I did. It was wrong and I knew it and I am sorry. I know I have made unintentional mistakes in other games since then (some that helped me, some that hurt me) as everyone does from time to time, but I know that this particular incident was an intentional act. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished my opponent had noticed it and called me on it. I won a trophy, but at what cost? That simply means my integrity is worth nothing more than a trophy.
In closing, I am thankful for a God who forgives and can bring Redemption to my integrity. If you have something in your life that you need to confess, I urge you to seek God about to whom you need to speak that. Obviously if you haven’t confessed it to Him, that would be the place to start, but He will also reveal others who need to hear it. I am reminded of the dc Talk song “Between You and Me”
If confession is the road to healing, Forgiveness is the Promised Land. I’m reaching out from my conviction and I’m longing to make amends.
That is my heart tonight…thank you for taking the time to read this, and I love you all,
Justin
