Cactus Game Design Message Boards

this is the proluge please comment

                             nova kareen leaned back in his chair as his comlink buzzed he ansered gruffly"Nova"his brother's voice came though "hey Nova can you come down to the warehouse stat"? ferron asked."on it"nova repelied. Nova ran though the street of angalos's main city new angalos. when he came to ferron's warehouse ferron walked out and said"well well get him boys! 2 men appeared from an allyway and punched Nova in the nose.  nova coupled to ground and all went black.


                       to be contued.

                   (note the warehouse has a mini lab in it.)

fixed some issues.

well ferron is a dark jedi and this is in 100 BBY.

So did Nova know that Karren was a dark jedi?  And sorry, I am a bit confused, is the warehouse and the lab the same place?  Or is the lab in the warehouse?   Otherwise sounds like a pretty good beginning.

P. S. If you wish to send me your drafts I can proofread them for you, just to correct grammar and stuff.

nova=not jedi yet ferron=secret dark jedi. chapter 2 in a few minutes corrected errors.

That's not a chapter, that's a short paragraph.

Regarding the grammar, I agree that you really need to perfect your presentation before you can be taken seriously. I mean, I can understand that when some people just want to write a really quick reply on the boards, they can ignore spelling and punctuation and whatnot and I won't hold it against them (usually). But when you're trying to write something official, something you want people to read and go, "Ooh, I wonder what happens next!" then you have to make it easier to read without having a seizure.

Regarding the content, I would like to read more about what people are thinking. Let us get into the characters' heads a little more, and give a faint projection of what to expect. Use more descriptive writing besides "He answered..." and "Nova ran..." and "Two men...punched him in the nose." Establish the characters' moods a little more. For example, instead of...

when he came to ferron's warehouse ferron walked out and said"well well get him boys!"

...try something like...

As he briskly approached the door to his brother's warehouse, he caught a glance of Ferron stepping out of the open doorway, an ironic grin covering his ashen face. Glaring at Nova, he growled, "Well, well, look what we have here. Get him, boys!"

Obviously I'm not the most fantastic writer myself, and I'm also not really sure about the characters or the setting, but my point is that you could add a lot more detail. And I think you'll find that when you do so, your chapters will magically begin to double, triple, quadruple in size and richness of language.

And BTW, I don't mean to bash your writing at all. The first step in becoming a great writer is just to start writing, and obviously you have done this. And it's great to present your writing publicly so that you can get feedback from more experienced writers (and picky readers), and find what area you need more practice in. This is a great way to get the benefits of experience and to improve your writing skill.

ugh prof U pointed out that that one of my gimick was not work so i'm gonna rewrite chapter 1.and i fill out a page of story.(in my notebook)